The phrase “unattainable marriage” came from my daughter when she was in middle school. Due to age and memory, you’ll have to forgive me if I’m off by a few years.
To give some context, my wife and I had been married for over 10 years when this conversation occurred. From my daughter’s perspective, we never fought and everything was happy and perfect. Was this always true? No, but one thing my wife and I tried hard to do was avoid having any arguments in front of our kids. Based on our daughter’s statement, I think we succeeded.
A Coach’s Perspective on Modern Families
Through coaching both youth football and baseball, I gained unique insights into children’s lives. Being from an older generation, I expect to see both parents at Saturday games, getting mad at coaches for not playing their kids, yelling at referees or umpires, and having a typical day at the ball field.
This was far from reality. I would estimate that 80% of the kids I coached came from divorced households, and many of these divorces were far from amicable. As a coach, you quickly learn that you’re not just teaching sports – you become a therapist of sorts, listening to kids share stories about how much their parents dislike each other or from the parents themselves. But that’s a story for another day.
My daughter’s school friends were similar. They would talk about either their mother or father, but rarely about both parents living in the same house as my daughter was used to. She never told us much more, but most of her friends came from split households. To her, what my wife and I had seemed extraordinary, which confused us even more since we both came from divorced households ourselves. We did not think we did anything out of the ordinary.
Our Marriage Philosophy
So what’s the trick? What secret sauce have we used to stay together for almost 22 years? Ready? “Happy wife, happy life!” Okay, I know that’s an old saying and isn’t really the secret. To be honest, I can share how we live our life, and if that’s the secret sauce, then I don’t think it’s unattainable.
Private Disagreements: A Foundation of Trust
If you have children, don’t fight in front of them. While this won’t apply to all married couples, it’s crucial for those with kids. Take your arguments somewhere private – and that doesn’t mean yelling in another room where the kids can still hear you. Step away, and most importantly, talk. We weren’t perfect, and my wife would sometimes get frustrated with me because I wouldn’t raise my voice, even when she wanted to know I was upset too. I have a calm nature, and the times I raised my voice were few and far between. Yelling doesn’t help; while it might make some feel better momentarily, it rarely solves anything. Sometimes you need to walk away, think about the root of the argument, and look for possible compromises.
Financial Harmony
We established early on not to argue about money. We’ve had our low points where we barely had enough coming in to cover what was going out. We both worked, and I changed jobs several times to try to increase our income. Sometimes you have limited control over your finances. Unless someone is being financially irresponsible with shopping sprees, what’s there to argue about? Instead, talk through the bills, identify ways to save money, buy generic brands, and reduce utility usage where possible. Arguing about not having enough money doesn’t increase your income, but discussing ways to save helps keep more money in the house.
Friendship First
Have fun! We believe our relationship’s foundation in friendship gave us a different starting point, sometimes making our marriage feel more like a deep friendship. I’ll admit I’m not the best at maintaining intimacy, and my wife sometimes comments about feeling like we’re “just friends” – that’s something I need to improve. But you need to have fun together. You should be able to joke around and enjoy each other’s company. Our kids and their friends often comment on how much we goof around together. Isn’t that how it should be? You should be able to tease each other, play jokes, and genuinely enjoy spending time together.
Making Time for Each Other
Recently, my wife and I have committed to having a monthly date night. For what seemed like 20-plus years, we were focused solely on being parents. While we’ll always be parents, we’re also a couple, and we need to nurture that aspect of our relationship. Take time for date nights, personal time, or hanging out with friends. It’s okay to take a night off from parenting and just be a couple who enjoys dinner, drinks, or a movie together. Now that our kids are older, we’ve even gone out of state and left them to manage on their own – and they survived! Remember, you’re allowed to have your own life.
Final Thoughts
There’s much more I could share about what has helped my wife and me maintain our marriage, but those stories can wait for future posts. I’m not an expert, and I know I’ve made mistakes and will continue to make them. The key is learning from these mistakes, growing together, and remembering that a relationship shouldn’t feel like a job.